Your Illusion of Dignity

I have been inspired by a number of things:
The Bloggers of ConFab, Baby!
ConFab's location in Lexington, Kentucky
DutchBitch's latest entry about bullies
A desire to move the Green German Walkman with the Enormous Member down the page a skosh
to author another post on this dreadful blog. You know, I only signed up so I could get the cool Icy Mountain avatar when I posted on everyone's blog. I apparently don't have the proper synaptic connections in my brain to suddenly think "I'm so going to blog this" and then follow through before something else happens. Maybe I should write notes on my hand for later.

Over the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year in high school, my family moved from a small town in Eastern Kentucky to what passes for a large city in Kentucky, Lexington. I was not entirely fond of the idea. Therefore, I had a rather large chip on my shoulder and walked around like Robert Blake just hoping that someone would knock it off. I spent the summer helping my mom repaint, remodel and generally move into the new house. I made myself as scarce as possible around there and hung around with my new friend or mowed lawns to earn a little walkin' around money. My new friend was a year younger and had lived his entire life in St. Louis before being uprooted so we got along famously.

The first day of school he and I were standing outside one of the many front doors into the place. His older brother had just dropped us off thus saving us the indignity of riding the big orange twinky. We had a few minutes to kill so we stood on the curb and smoked a cigarette. As we were walking up to the doors, this monster jock grabbed me by the shirt, spun me 90 degrees and said, "New meat, gimme a smoke." Eureka! Some idiot had clearly knocked the chip off my shoulder! Staring up roughly six inches and at another 100 lbs. or so, I said, "There's no need for that, all you had to do was ask politely and I'll give you one." The big knucklehead actually put me down, sort of bowed, and said, "Gimme a smoke...please."

That's when I kicked him squarely in the nuts. When he doubled over, I assisted his head downward so his forehead could meet my upcoming knee. When he straightened back up and didn't appear to be able to fall over, I punched him in the solar plexus with the goal of trying to see if I could get my knuckles to touch his spine. Apparently, this was enough persuasion for him to hit the dirt. The whole thing took maybe 15 seconds. I turned to the rest of the spud boys standing around gaping and asked "Anybody else want a cigarette?" Undoubtedly the finest performance of my life. I was scared to death but I had managed to channel every bit of anger at my parents and their employers over being moved away from all my friends into 15 seconds of unfettered violence. The calm that descended and the clarity to pull off that parting statement left me even more amazed than my friend.

Shed of my anger and firmly established as One Who Is Not To Be Fucked With, I rather enjoyed the last two years of high school.

My Spare Time

Sorry for the hiatus (that's posh-speak for taking a vacation from your vacation). I had to return to work and that has taken up a significant amount of the time previously spent fucking off. I had the final visit with my primary physician on the 8th. The bloodwork (iron study) is back and my hemocrit levels are back in the normal range. My hemoglobin is still just below normal but is higher than the last reading. I haven't smoked since September 2nd. Combined with the increased iron levels I am finding that I can walk up 6 flights of stairs without getting winded. I worked 4 days last week and I'm back full time this week. I'm still on restrictions and I'm not supposed to engage in vigorous activities or lift more than a gallon of milk in each hand until my next visit to the surgeon at the end of December.

My oldest son, Hilltopper, acquired his driver's license on October 4th. He also acquired a cell phone on October 6th so his mother can keep track of him. I have lost a son but gained a gopher. He can go for milk. He can go for Chinese food. He can go for an oil change. We no longer have to drive him to church 2 times a week.

The rest of my spare time is being usurped by studying for a comprehensive exam in a Christian Growth and Christian Ministry class at my church. I went to a 3 hour class every week for the past year and I now have about 50 pages of material and over 80 bible verses that I need to know backwards and forwards. This is not leaving much room in my overtaxed brain for much of anything else!

Your Ignorance of Your Responsibility

Having explained the early years of discipline yesterday, here is some insight into managing the teenage crowd until they reach the age of consent, majority or whatever you call it when they move the hell out of your house and make it on their own. The following is much easier to accomplish if you have not sheltered your children from the consequences of their own poor decisions. Then they have learned that their decision making abilities are not so keen and that they might need to spend some time thinking about pros and cons of a given choice and its consequences before acting. If you have kept an iron grip on you kids and made all their decisions for them and never allowed them to suffer from their mistakes, then this process will be a little more mistake laden but it is still workable.
















What we have above is the Age vs. Responsibility chart. Obviously, when a child is 5 years old, they have very little, if any responsibility for their own life. You, as the parent, make almost all of the decisions and have almost complete control over what happens to the child. As the child in question grows older you need to allow them to have more and more responsibility or they end up as a clueless adult and wrap their car around a tree or drink themselves to death on their 21st birthday.

For simplicity's sake, there are three lines on this chart: Liberal, conservative and strategic. The liberal (left) line could be the latch-key kid on their own from 2PM until 6PM when Mom and Dad get home from work. There is little if any oversight of activities once the kid leaves the house. You know them. They are their kids best friends and give them responsibility far beyond their years. The kids don't know how to handle it. Sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll and the tendency to be overly familiar with local law enforcement generally ensue. These kids do, however, tend to be very street smart and get along well assuming they make it to 21 without doing irreversible damage or weighing themselves down with too much baggage.

The conservative (right) line represents the over-protective parent. This kid gets almost no responsibility and is completely sheltered from both decisions and consequences. At some point during the teenage years there is a massive rebellion. The parents realize that their little baby is grown up and go on a crash course in trying to let go of the reins and cram the knowledge and experience into the pour soul. They generally end up on campus with very little adult decision making experience and go through the university of hard knocks. You can see a lot of them on YouTube doing really stupid things while under the influence of alcohol. Their friends, having been raised the same way, film them rather than reining them in and pouring a cup of hot coffee down their throat.

I should note at this point that my son is a walking Christian and that a large number of his friends are from his church group. The power of positive peer pressure cannot be underestimated. Neither neglect the power of a group of kids chanting "Do it. Do it! DO IT!" whilst your teenager stands ready to perform a stupid human trick.

The middle line represents the strategic approach. This is what I am striving to attain. Seek to strike a balance between handing them too much before they are ready and never giving them a chance to fail until they are completely on their own. You start handing over responsibility at an early age, while they are still in grade school. Not too much, mind you, but enough that they can learn what it is to be responsible for your own decisions and actions and to live with the consequences. By the time they learn to drive (16) you should have handed over a great deal of responsibility to the kid (80% by my chart). After all, you are going to turn them loose in a motor vehicle (=lethal weapon) and they will be able to do whatever the hell they want the minute they are out of your driveway. When they are 17 and 18 (last two years of high school) they should have 100% responsibility for their own decisions and actions. You should guide and assist, of course, but they need some practice falling down and picking themselves back up while they are still under your roof. This is very difficult as you will be required to watch your kid get themselves into jams that you could have very easily helped them avoid.

I never said parenting teens was easy. Going at it without a strategy is foolish.

The Rebellion

I thought the following story came from Sun Tzu but I couldn't find the original. This is a highly paraphrased version.
Do Now, Ask Later
The emperor sent his army west to put down a rebellion in one of the distant provinces. As the army began to march, the general stayed behind to finish consultations and intelligence gathering. The army made its first camp next to a river, giving them protection on one side. They pitched tents, dug trenches and threw up protective earthworks. When they had at last finished, in the middle of the night, they posted watch and the rest the army went to sleep. Shortly after this, the general arrived and told his lieutenants, "Wake the men and move this camp to a spot about one mile north of here. The scouts will show you the position I have chosen." The lieutenants clamored thus, "But the men are very tired. Sun Tzu says that an army must be well rested. The northern site, while on a hilltop, is not as defensible as this site. Can we not wait until morning to move and select a more suitable camp in daylight?" The general glowered at his lieutenants and ordered that they comply immediately.

Before noon the next day, the lieutenants gathered and proposed that they confront the general about his decision. They found him well rested and having breakfast. "General," they complained, "we have moved to a site that is less protected and the men are now exhausted. Should we be attacked, things will not go well. Why did you order the camp moved?" The general did not speak but allowed the lieutenants to stand silently and at attention while he finished his breakfast. When he was finished, he mounted his horse and bid the lieutenants to follow. He led them back to the previous campsite. They stared in surprise at the lake that had formed; the only indication of their camp being the very top of the earthworks just barely visible above the water. "Had you not ordered the camp moved, we would surely have been decimated by this flood. How did you know that this would happen? By what kind of sorcery?" the lieutenants asked.

The general stared at them all and answered angrily, "I am the general, I have information and intelligence that you do not possess. Because I am the general, not an army, I travel by different roads to arrive at the same place. It is not important how I came to possess the knowledge that this camp would be inundated by the river. What is important that when I give an order, I expect it to be obeyed. For mine is not to answer questions of ignorant lieutenants but to command an army. Tomorrow, in battle, do you wish to pause while I explain my tactics to your full understanding? Do you think our enemies will oblige? Or will you obey without question, living long enough to learn my reasoning, strategy and tactics by observation?"

Wisely, his lieutenants did not reply but rode back to the camp in silence.

My children have heard this story many times and from a very early age (4). The moral has been explained and they understand. Over time, explaining what is expected, then holding them to consequences when expectations are not met, teaches them that you are wise and they should be responsible for their own actions. When my kids are running directly toward eminent danger, all that is required to bring them to a skidding halt is for me to shout "Stop!" By long training and observation, they have learned the consequences of disregarding my sage advice. Sometimes I supply the consequences (i.e. low grades equals no time to spare for internet activities so Dadman takes away bandwidth). Sometimes the consequences supply themselves. Last weekend both boys went to an amusement park. I offered a strap for retaining spectacles to both. Water Dog put his on immediately. Hilltopper left his on the dining room table. It is not Icy that is paying for the lost gla$$es.

My Son's Tedium

Last night my oldest son had his first Big Party. He is a sophomore in high school. He has been planning this for two weeks and I must say he brought it off wonderfully. Mrs. Icy and I would have normally been big pests and done loads for him (that he didn't want done) but luck prevailed. Mrs. Icy had another gathering to attend and I am too floored up to render assistance. Hilltopper did all the setup from stacking the bonfire to setting up the PA system outside. Well done. As it was I sat in the game room and watched college football, occasionally surfacing to assure myself that everything remained under control.

There were about 50 kids at one time and probably 75 cycled through the place. A rather nice crowd and incredibly polite. We live off a main road so everyone had to park in the yard and nobody trashed it. The party was from 6 to 11 and they played kickball from 7 to 8:30 and then lit the bonfire. After hotdogs, s'mores, and glowstick jewelery they played Red Rover from 9 to 10:30. I couldn't believe it. But then again they all get to stand in a line and hold hands so maybe it's not so farfetched. I was pleasantly suprised that there didn't seem to be any drinking, smoking or drugs. I'm not totally naive but I am an old hand and I know what I'm looking for behaviour-wise. I did notice that there were 3 or 4 couples that seemed satisfied to cuddle up together on a lawn chair (I remember when we were that size) and gaze into the fire.

Mrs. Icy dropped by a couple of times and had to be removed for mingling too closely with the partygoers. Her comment was "They are a bunch of great kids. They just need a place to hang out." Yep. We've still got 3 years to go.