My Self-Esteem

When did I turn into the dad on According to Jim or The King of Queens? When did the entire world decide that dads are stupid and that is funny? Fuck you. Very Much. It is finished.

I am not an idiot. I have a college degree, a good job and co-own a house. I am not socially dysfunctional. I have two teenage boys who have never been in trouble, I've been married to one woman for 20+ years, and I put their needs in front of mine. I am not hilariously inept. I am reasonably well-spoken, my work reports are exemplary, I know how to use apostrophes correctly, and I read actual books. I am not uproariously clumsy. I have never been in a car collision, broken a bone, or, until recently, ever been hospitalized. I am not incompetent. My net worth is positive, I pay bills electronically, and I can fix 99% of what you break (and then beg me to fix, oh fickle ones). I am not helpless. I can change oil, video cards, tires, dishwashers, and clothes with equal dexterity. I am not clueless; simply put, I am the reason you have to thank for all this luxury.

So how come nobody waits for me to finish a sentence. Why do I make things perfectly clear (take out the garbage) and then get sass back for pointing out the obvious (you didn't tell me when)? Why do I get cut off (I KNOW) only to have to explain again later (trash day is Friday) after you have broken it. This is not just my kids. My wife, coworkers, friends and relatives are all involved in this conspiracy. I have only this to say at this juncture. Shut up. Listen. Look out. I am only going to say this once. Pay attention or you won't like the results.

For everyone else: dads are not pathetically funny lovable idiots to be made fun of and patronized behind our back. We are the right honourable and just leaders of the family and we will be treated with deserved respect. The next time you are facing a loud, red-faced, finger-pointing, and -snapping dad all up in your grill: Icy warned you. Don't expect an apology because we already told you once; you just weren't listening.